Slapdash

January 31, 2011

Paranoia

Filed under: Life's Like That — Chantelle @ 12:00 pm

When we lived in the apartment, we had all sorts of problems, including having the bedroom window broken above our heads at one point.

I couldn’t sleep through the night by myself anymore at the apartment. Any little noise would wake me up and the thought of turning off the bedroom light terrified me. I slept with a bat.

Since we have moved to the house, I have gotten a lot better. We are in a good neighbourhood, we don’t sleep level with the ground, and we have an alarm system.

Gilles has been living in Moose Jaw for four weeks now. He is usually back on the weekend, but I’m by myself during the week. It still takes me about an hour to fall asleep when I’m by myself (as opposed to instantly when Gilles is home), but I have no problem sleeping with the light off and I sleep through the night now.

Last night, someone rang the doorbell at 12:40. I wasn’t asleep yet, but I was close. I think I lost about 5 years off my life from being so scared.

It felt like it took me about 5 minutes to decide to get up, rather than ignore it in hopes they would go away. In truth, it probably took 10-15 seconds. I turned on every light in the house as I went downstairs, in hopes it would look like more people were there and I wasn’t home alone. I could see the side light on, so I knew that the person had gone to that door.

I went into the kitchen and grabbed a steak knife.

Even though I knew that the person had gone to the side door anyway, I went to the front door and looked out first. I think I was trying to buy myself more time. Despite the fact that someone had rung the doorbell and so I should expect to see someone standing at the side door, all I could think about was a man standing within inches of the door, standing straight on and his eyes boring into me as I opened the blind to look out. So I still didn’t go to the side door after I went to the front door. I found myself wishing our side door was solid wood with a tiny peephole like an apartment, instead of having its nice window.

Instead, I stood in the main hallway and looked out the front window. I couldn’t see anyone, but there was a running vehicle in front. That didn’t help my anxiety.

I then went to the kitchen window and tried to see the side door from there. I didn’t want the person to see me. I couldn’t see anything.

Finally I mustered up the courage to pull back the roll-up blind on the side door just a little, and peek out. There was no one there. I started to go back to the front door, and noticed a man walking down the front walk toward his vehicle. I stood in the hallway for some time, watching to see if he would just drive off.

When it became apparent that he was not going to, I sat on the couch by the window and watched him until he finally left, about 20 minutes later.

I put the steak knife away right away, checked to make sure that he was still gone, and went back up to bed. It was another hour before I was able to calm down enough to go to sleep though.

I wish I could know if being upset at this level by someone ringing the doorbell (granted in the middle of the night) is normal, given my experiences, or if I am developing a level of paranoia. I have actually considered going to see a therapist to discuss the matter, even if for one session. The price however, dissuades me from doing so.

What do you think? Am I still just getting over my experiences and fear from being in the apartment, or is there something more serious going on?

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